I woke from a long, intense dream. I had lost Luca and was trying to find her. There was a carnival and all sorts of creatures that could kill her roaming around. I went on a long road trip to areas I was unfamiliar looking for her with other people who shouldn't know each other. Nothing made sense.
I woke up relieved that it was a dream. And then realised she wasn't just lost, she was gone.
Looking at my bedspread it is this beautiful but worn satin patchwork. I've had it for more than 10 years. Its one of the only materials I found that didn't get trashed with dog hair and the other glorious mess that comes from sharing your bed with a canine.
I guess I could get a new one now, but I so wish I could wake up one more time and see her curled up at my feet on this worn, threadbare and stained patchwork.
I'm trying to be grateful. I wrote a post a couple of months ago about the day I found out her ashes were there to be picked up. Two of the dogs I found so hard to be around are gone. One friend made the incredibly brave decision to put down a young dog she loved due to its unfortunate aggression, the others lost theirs after just a year.
I had nearly 15 years. But I'm not sure it makes it easier, I think it makes it harder. I am really grateful to have had such a kind and funny creature by my side holding me through the things I have been through.
I haven't worked out what to do with her ashes. Maybe I will take them back to WA and scatter some at South Beach, maybe some up on country, near Broome. I don't think she would care - wherever I was, or the swag was, was home. The time I couldn't find my swag after too many drinks and decided to have a little lie down in a gully, she just looked at me, said OK, and curled up at my feet. I woke at cold dawn light to see it two metres away. She could have pointed that out. But I forgive her. For that, and all the times she rolled in hideous things, and ran away exploring to be patted by new friends, or tracked muddy paws through the house or drank the bottle of baileys as teenager or trashed Hsien's strawberry patch.
Because she gave me so much more, and I am so very, very grateful to have had her in my life.