The day after

Jan 29, 2015

I wake up. Its quiet, and I wonder where Luca is. Then remember. I turn on the phone and realise its 1pm and think Luca is overdue for her medication. Then remember.

I have already cried 1000 tears and I’m sure there will be more. For now I feel empty. And perhaps from now the grief will be quiet, not writ large. It will be the moment I come back to the car and she’s not there, or I open the door and there is no one to greet me, or I come outside a shop and look for where she is sitting waiting patiently.

I think maybe I should go and have a bath...for me water has always been the great letting go. But then I realise I won't have her funny little muppet face sticking her head into the bathroom to wonder where I am... what on earth will I do with a peaceful bath?

I was so organised in my thinking ahead... I will kill her in the spare room, where I won't live every day. where the memories can fall away from... I thought. And then I sleep in the spare bed, in the spare room, next to the neat blue tarp to protect the carpet from death juice... because I feel closer to where she last was.

I know the biggest grief will come when I sit crying and missing this gorgeous, crazy, fluffy, kind and most human of creatures… and I will turn to my best friend for comfort, and she isn't there.